The Day I Knew...

Still going through my old blog and my 2nd to last post was the night I found out I was pregnant with Ryder. I had left dinner at Pat's parent's house. Katie had come to visit - she had recently found out she was pregnant. Pat's mom was talking about the journals she had kept while pregnant with her 2 youngest children (she had mentioned them before). She was talking about how she had recently given Katie the one she kept while pregnant with her and said she would pull the one out she had kept while pregnant with Pat when he and I reached that point in our relationship (something she had also mentioned before and that I held close to my heart. It meant a lot that she could see me as her DIL and mother to her grandchildren)
I had been nervous and thought I could be pregnant and had been praying to God to give me strength and send me a sign if I needed to go and buy a test. (I had said this prayer a few times and sent it up once more while the three girls were sitting outside on the porch). All of the sudden, Pat's mom said, "I can't wait any longer. I'm just going to give it to you now."  BA-BAM!!!!! That was my sign. My heart started pounding and I knew a test wasn't necessary but, after leaving, I went and bought 6 anyway....9 months later, I got Ryder.... Anyway...this is my post from that fateful night, September 14, 2010. (There's obviously no mention of the test because I wrote the entry before dinner...)

Well, Patrick has officially left for his deployment. To where? I can't say. For how long? I can't say. I want him to come home already :) He called me when I was at work before he left to say "I love you." I'm still hanging on to those last words he said because I don't know how long it will be until I get to talk to him again. I don't know about phone service or internet access or when he'll start recieving mail. OOOO the frustration of the unknown--but such is life and we can only hold on to God as we deal with what we have been given. I also got to talk to him for about 2 hours the night before he left. It was so nice to have some quality time with him and be able to talk for an extended period of time. He seemed so excited, and a little nervous, to finally be leaving. I know we are all ready for him to come home--the sooner he left the sooner those X months are over:)
I am so excited to talk to Pat to hear about what he has done and what he has seen. I hope he takes a lot of pictures and brings them home so I can see where he was on this deployment where the Navy has made him leave me behind :( But it really isnt that long that he is gone. He and I have the rest of our lives to be together, so what is another X months, weeks, days or even years. Just knowing I'm his and that we love each other is enough right now.  (No pressure Patrick I promise:) )
Tonight, I am headed over to Pat's mom's house for dinner. So excited for some good food! I'm excited to show her the original version of the video I made of me and Pat--the one I posted on the last entry skipped some transitions and it went too fast. I've been watching it over and over. The words to that song mean so much to me. They describe how I feel about my Sailor and how much I love him. I'm all about being sappy and romantic right now since he left haha. I'm sure it gets annoying to some people but it is how I feel right now. 
So, for now, I'm counting down until my graduation (3 months and 4 days) and Bebe Cullen!!!!! Katie is due in April and I couldn't be more excited. I can't wait to find out if "it" is a girl or a boy and start buying clothes!! (Yes, I am a shopping addict and Patrick is trying to break me of this. It's hard--but since I'm having to pay my bills I'm getting better) But I can't wait to buy some necessities for this new baby--as in rhinestone passies and toys and cute clothes :) Ill just send the bill to Pat, I mean its for his niece or nephew, so that's alright, right? haha
I LOVE YOU PATRICK



This is the very last post I wrote....It was written a few hours before I got to talk to Pat and let him know he was going to be a dad (scared the -ish out of him)


Tonight was really hard. After work I came home and finished my resume and cover letter for a class assignment then started writing to Pat. I've been doing really well since he has left. I've kept myself busy and haven't had much time to think about how much I really, truly miss him. I've been soooo excited to hear from him about his adventure on the sea. I mean, honestly, he's going places I've never even heard of, much less seen pictures of and I cant wait to see pictures that he takes and puts on facebook or brings home with him.
 Well, after all my work was done tonight, I started to go through pictures of us to put to an older SHEdaisy song I "reheard". UMMMM--it's great for me when I go through pictures of us and write to him and in my journal. What a way to express yourself by writing things to people you know they will never read! HAHA Tonight, though, was hard. I miss having him here and being able to look into his eyes while he has his hands around my waist. I miss his sweet, soft kisses and the way our hands fit together. I miss listening to his heart beat and the sound of him breathing. I miss his smile--oh how it can light up a room and brighten my day. I miss his laugh. Oh, if you could just hear it--it is absolutely contagious! (Did i spell that right? lol) I miss his eyes and how pretty they look in his new light blue AE polo shirt. I miss feeling his "scruff" against my cheek when he whispers "I love you" to me. I miss how my arm tucks right under his as we walk or whenever he pulls me into him, how he calls me his angel and always answers the phone "Hello beautiful," and he really means it. I miss how I can never get upset with him or even dream of being mad at him because he can always make me laugh. I know this silence between us is only temporary--and I'm so thankful that it is--but tonight, in this moment, I miss my sailor and my hero.
I've been lucky enough to have two friends who are going through similar situations with a husband and boyfriend in the military. To hear that what you're feeling is normal and that there are others that you know that are going through the same thing is a big help. I also have his family so close by. Being around them, seeing pictures of him with all of them, and hearing stories makes it seem like he hasn't actually left, like he's just stepped out to run to the mall-lol. A 30 minute errand, not an X month deployment--
OOOOO I cannot wait until he gets home! It hasn't been that long and I'm already counting down the days:) (Graduation is the first countdown, Bebe Cullen is the second and his homecoming is the third!!! I love staying busy with countdowns) I'm also simply taking one day at a time with school, work, my internship, and PAYING OFF ALL debt (ewwww I hate admitting to that--but admitting there is a problem is the first step right?) Patrick's deployment gives me time to focus on me before WE have to focus on US.  
God is holding my hand and has His arms around Patrick, I know Who holds our futures--

I still imagine your touch
It's beautiful missing something that much

But sometimes love needs a fighting chance

So I'll wait my turn until it's our turn to dance